Why Sibling Rivalry May Be Inevitable And What Parents Can Do to Help
Children want their parent’s attention
Children, no matter what age, want their parents’ love, respect, and admiration. From a child’s perspective that love, respect, and admiration are like a pie. There is only so much to go around and, if my siblings have more, there is less for me.
A child concludes “My siblings took it from me, it’s unfair and I resent it and…I want it back.” It’s surprising how long such feelings can persist, but we all know people who feel jealous and resentful of their siblings well into adulthood, even when they have successful careers, friends, and families of their own. Sometimes when adult children struggle, they blame their siblings for their predicament.
Sibling rivalry takes different forms at different developmental stages
In the early years, rivalry takes the form of grabbing, hitting, and crying. Later, there is teasing, taunts, insults, and exclusion. Sometimes conflict and competition can persist and result in permanent alienation and estrangement.
Unresolved sibling rivalry is often aroused when a parent dies and the old feelings of competition are on full display-who was selected to be the executor, who gets to make the decisions about the furnishings and belongings, and who plans the funeral?
In other words, who is more important and who was more loved by the parent? At times of stress and loss, the awful feelings of sibling rivalry can erupt unexpectedly and powerfully, and education, IQ, maturity, and sanity don’t mean a thing.
Allowing hate makes room for love
Allowing anger, competitive feelings, and hostility to be expressed and discussed without shame or guilt can be a game-changer. Allowing kids to say “I hate you/him” gets it out of the way and makes space for love and generosity. Accepting hostile feelings and exploring them with interest says to the child, “You have feelings that are unpleasant, you are entitled to your feelings, they are normal, you are not a bad person, and let’s find a way to make it better.”
Examples of helpful comments are, “I know it’s hard because he is older and can do more things, I know we’re easier on her because she’s younger and that must be very annoying, I get that it seems unfair that he gets to stay up later, and wins all the games. It’s hard having an older/younger sister. I hope you know I love you just as much as I love your brother/sister? What can I do to help?”
Admonishing the child is interpreted as, “you are a bad person, you should always love and be kind to your sibling, I’m disappointed in you, and you need to get over this or, at least, not express it.” When children can’t express their hateful feelings, there is no way to address them or resolve them. They fester.
Allowing more than one version of success means more can be successful
Easier said than done, but parents can reduce sibling rivalry, and generally enhance self-esteem, by allowing their children to be who they are. This means fighting against the urge to decide for children what they should be good at, what traits they should strive for, what success looks like, what friends they should have, what weight they should be, and how they should define themselves in terms of gender, and sexual orientation.
It’s a very tall order because it means questioning our biases and assumptions about what we want for our kids and allowing them to be different from us, from our family members, from our culture…and loving and respecting that difference. Often children are a surprise in terms of their genetic makeup, physical appearance, personalities, and traits and it’s harder to identify with them, understand them, and accept them than those children who look and respond in familiar ways.
Adopted children are especially challenging because they may look and behave entirely out of the familiar mold. Success is much more likely when parents can accept the differences rather than ignoring them or attempting to reduce them.
Why is embracing difference so important?
Asking children to engage in activities and develop competencies because you have been taught that they are the templates for success may be alienating and an invitation for failure, if your child lacks the skills or inclination to participate.
Children embrace activities for lots of reasons but they generally persevere in activities where they enjoy success and where they feel they belong. Children who continue to work at things they dislike because they fear rejection from their siblings or parents are children who will be very unhappy and deeply resentful of both their parents and the siblings they are intended to emulate.
When children do not directly compete or directly compete in only a few spheres, there is space to develop and enjoy different skills, identities, and aspirations.
Children with special needs
Research has consistently shown that families with special needs children report that they experience satisfaction, pleasure, and growth as a result of having a special needs child. They say things such as, “we have a better grasp of what is important, we are more compassionate and less competitive as individuals, the children are protective and empathic and generous in ways we never imagined.” Acceptance of the child who is vulnerable or ‘different’ leads to acceptance and tolerance, in general.
The lesson here is that the greater capacity parents have to love and enjoy their children, whatever their inclinations, the more likely the children are to love and enjoy their sibs.
Rules and consequences
There are some basic rules such as not hitting and not destroying property which are pretty much universal and needs to be maintained but there other rules which may be flexible and may vary from child to child. Some children need more sleep, need to snack more frequently, and need more structure regarding homework or more warnings and reminders to follow the rules.
It isn’t essential that the rules be the same for every child as that the rules make sense and the reasons for the rules be transparent and articulated. A five-year-old recently explained to me that he was able to close his eyes and go to sleep but his younger brother wasn’t able to do that yet and so I would need to sit with him while he fell asleep, “he’s only three.”
Different children, different parent-child relationships
Parents often express that their goal is to be the same with each of their children but that is near impossible. Different children bring out very different aspects of ourselves, trigger different emotions, and create different challenges. They are different and we are different in our responses to them. This doesn’t have to mean better or worse, favoured or less favoured, just different.
A child once told me that he complained to his mother because she laughed at his brother's jokes much more than she laughed at his jokes and she said, “If your brother didn’t make me laugh, I would kill him; you don’t need to make me laugh.” It made perfect sense to him. He understood at the age of eight that his brother was more irritating and rebellious and that his brother needed to make his mother laugh. Not better, not less than…different.
Sibling relationships are the longest relationships and it’s important they be positive
Children are connected with their siblings for life, whether they see one another, or not. Our sibling relationships have a huge impact on our experience of childhood and our experience of ourselves, and they often provide the model for future relationships. It’s through the daily and sometimes intense interactions with our siblings that we learn to negotiate, share, compete, fight, and forgive.
Positive sibling relationships are a source of comfort, support, and joy over the entire lifespan. Because sibling relationships are so fundamental, it is important to seek help when they are unhealthy, such as when there is relentless antipathy, and no affection or goodwill. When siblings treat each other with contempt or derision, when one child is afraid of another child, or when they lack compassion or empathy for one another, it’s critical to consult the family doctor and get a referral to a mental health professional.
Siblings in blended families
Increasingly, children grow up in blended families and there can be many challenges to overcome with respect to sibling rivalry. There may be children coming together from different households, as well as children born into the new union. There is often ongoing conflict with ex-partners that interferes with the establishment of a new household. Finding a space and place for each child, and establishing new routines and norms while attempting to maintain a sense of continuity can be daunting.
Acknowledging the magnitude of the task and moving slowly is the advice given by experts. Parents who are able to recognize what they are asking of their children and are willing to listen to their protests, anger, and fear are better positioned to resolve whatever lies ahead. Minimizing the children’s distress and the reality of the many issues to be addressed will only exacerbate the problems. Let them complain, let them protest, validate their fears, and assure them that you love them.
Strategies that can help
As with most problems, being honest with ourselves is the best place to start, even though it is painful. What do we think we are doing wrong? What do we fear? Do we like one child more than another? Why?
Ask ourselves if we have unresolved sibling rivalry issues that we may be recreating between our children?
Talk to our partner, doctor, friend, or family member about our concerns re our kid’s rivalry because talking is always better than worrying about ourselves.
Listen to our children’s feelings, observations, and thoughts with an open mind and a willingness to learn from them.
Resources
Daniel Baxter, I Do Not Like Living With Brothers, Mango Publishing, 2020.
James J. Crist, PhD., & Elizabeth Verdick, Siblings: You’re stuck with Each Other so Stick Together, Free Spirit Publishing, 2010.
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, Siblings without Rivalry: How to help your children live together so you can live too, W.W. Norton and Company, 2012.
Steve Herman, Dragon Sibling Rivalry: Help Your Dragons Get Along, DG Books Publishing, 2019.