What Has Covid-19 Taken From Our Children?
Parents and their children are spending a whole lot more time at home than they are used to, and it’s tough. We know parents are missing their jobs, incomes, security, privacy, and space; what are kids missing?
A little historical perspective
Until the past few generations, mothers were at home with their kids; there were few formal activities; school began at aged five; and computers, Facetime, and Instagram did not exist.
What did kids do? From a very early age they played outside with neighbours and friends, largely unattended and unsupervised. They made up games and stories, created forts, played ball and hide and go seek, and picked on, and bullied one another. Dads were at work, and moms were working in the home. What was exactly the same as it is today is that family members saw each other in the morning and then again at night, until…coronavirus. This situation is truly unique.
What kids are missing is as diverse as they are
The youngest children who are normally at daycare seem to be delighted to have mom and dad around all the time. In these cases, it is mom and dad who are most challenged by juggling work and twenty-four hour childcare.
Older children who play sports miss playing sports with their friends and teammates. Children who love school miss school. Children miss friends, and hugs, and giggles, and fights, and plots, and drama!
Children and teens who are shy and more sedentary are less negatively affected than children who are gregarious and active.
Almost all children are suffering from a lack of structure, routine, and predictability. Even those who are engaged in distance learning experience a futility or pointlessness regarding the work. It is hard enough in normal times for children to see the point in homework… or showers.
Teenaged children are very distressed that they have lost their autonomy. They can’t be out with friends, travel on the TTC, go to movies, hang out at the mall, or make out with their girlfriends and boyfriends. They are supervised so much more, and they hate it.
Young adults who are hoping to go to university or graduate from university are uncertain about their futures and opportunities. Will there be jobs for them?
For some staying home is a relief
Children who are very anxious, experience depression or bullying may feel relieved that they don’t have to go to school, interact with peers, or face the day- to-day challenges they dread. They may also feel less pressure to push themselves because doing less is the new normal. Although this is very understandable, it will be so much harder when the time comes to return to school. They may lose some of their determination, resourcefulness and resolve, and will need extra support to resume.
Home is not where we shine
Home is the place where, if we’re lucky enough to feel safe, we behave badly. We whine and complain, and shout, and pout. We’re mean and short tempered, and small. Not all the time, but enough that it is really important to get out.
Children, like parents, have multiple “identities.” They are not the same in all environments. The older sister who is sarcastic, even cruel, to her younger siblings is often kind and generous with friends, and a leader at school. The younger brother who is incompetent and derided at home as a ‘loser’ and ‘crybaby’, is a star on the baseball field or the debate stage. The same children who are rude, obnoxious, and defiant with their parents are polite, delightful, and compliant with other people’s parents. Happily, no one is judged by their behavior at home.
The Problem
The unique problem created by the virus and our consequent isolation is that many children are robbed of their opportunities to experience themselves as their best selves; their competent, kind, creative, cooperative selves. It is the herculean challenge of parents to contemplate their children in their more positive aspects, and to reflect those back to them. They, like us, are stressed and frustrated, and scared.
What can you do?
Tell your kids you love them.
Ask them what you can do to help them.
Talk to them about your feelings.
Invite them to participate in family planning and family strategies.
Engage them in ideas about connecting with friends, neighbours, and extended family members.
Talk to your children about what you want to do most when this time of isolation is over, and make plans together.
About the Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.