Let’s Talk About Family Violence During Covid-19
What it means to be “in place” or “stay at home”
Schools are closed, daycare centres are closed, libraries are closed, parks and play grounds are closed. Parents are forced to be with their children 24/7, work from home, and balance the demands of both work and childcare. For unemployed parents, without income, the anxiety about rent and food is all consuming.
Parents are being told to schedule activities, practice yoga, engage in arts and crafts, and be positive about the future.
Family Violence
This is all very nice but it doesn’t address the real situation that parents are confronting; isolation, fear, and stress… which often result in family conflict and family violence.
Perhaps this is the time to talk about what happens when parents abuse their children. We like to believe that parents who harm their children, and parents who don’t harm their children, come from different planets… but the truth is that the difference between parents who do, and parents who don’t, abuse their children, is frequently a function of resources-emotional, economic, and social.
Parents who harm their children are often parents with few resources- they may be poor, live in cramped quarters, have no family help, no back-up, or experience mental health challenges; or they may be rich, live in great spaces, but have no family assistance, and experience mental health challenges. Overall, parents who don’t harm their children have supportive families, emotional resilience, and economic resources.
Children Create Stress
The reality is that children present unbelievable stresses and challenges and parents are not always able to meet those challenges. We like to think that mothers who act out impulsively and violently are monsters, but this is a myth; mothers who hurt their children are usually loving mothers attached to their children, but in situations beyond their capacity to cope.
Often, Moms who act out aggressively with their children would never be aggressive toward anyone else, in any other circumstance. Dads are a bit different. They usually don’t have the same intensity of child care responsibilities and those who are violent with their children may be prone to acting out aggressively, more generally.
What is different and unique about this situation is that many more dads are having to be with their children far more than they are used to, and are now experiencing the same stresses and provocations as their wives and partners. This creates a whole new set of challenges and dangers.
Parents are just so stressed at this juncture and need to know that it is normal and acceptable to feel angry, tired, frustrated and impatient. You don’t have to be a super parent, a suddenly amazing educator, an artist, or author. You just have to survive, and keep your kids alive.
Thinking about abusing your children and actually abusing your children are NOT the same:
Most parents fantasize about hitting their children or tossing them off a balcony, or leaving them by the side of the road, and driving away. We don’t talk about it enough but these thoughts are normal, and almost all parents have them when their kids are screaming, fighting, crying, or refusing to go to bed. The thought or image is healthy because it acts like a relief valve, removing some of the pressure before it builds to dangerous levels and, also, because it alerts parents to the fact that they are coming to the end of their ropes and need to do something different. That something different might be taking a break with a cup of tea, going to the bathroom and breathing deeply, establishing a quiet time for separate activities and separate space, getting outside for fresh air, exercise and shouting, or calling a friend to express frustration, exhaustion, and fears.
Anticipatory Anxiety
Thinking about harming your children, and talking about harming your children are usually safeguards against harming your children because they allow parents to become aware of the danger, and take action. The thoughts and images of violence or neglect alert parents that there is imminent danger. Just as the parents of toddlers scan new spaces for potentially harmful electrical outlets and sharp objects, parents need to monitor their fatigue and frustration levels. It’s too late when the slap or shove, or worse, occurs. Parents who do hurt their children often lack this warning signal; in the moment of violence, they are overwhelmed by feelings of rage and frustration that they didn’t anticipate, and so failed to guard against. They are shocked and full of humiliation and regret; they don’t love their children less, they lack the tools to protect them.
When thoughts of child harm ARE Dangerous:
New mothers can suffer from postpartum depression which, in rare cases, can be very extreme, and sometimes, deadly. When mothers begin worrying that their infants are unsafe in the world, that the world is dangerous, it is a sign that they are moving into psychosis, and both they and their infants are at high risk for harm. Mothers of older children may also suffer from depression which is so severe that they lose touch with reality and consider killing their children, in order to ‘protect’ them. These thoughts are rare and not at all similar to the types of fleeting thoughts and images that parents normally experience.
Tips:
Know your limits-when you are about to explode, practice social distancing; barricade yourself in the bathroom or bedroom.
Get outside every day-walk with your kids, check out the flowers, the birds, construction site-whatever… you need to get outside.
Think about your priorities-laundry, groceries, connecting with friends- and make that happen, and forgive yourself the rest.
Share your worries; it’s important to tell someone that you are afraid you might hit your children, that you are scared you might lose control. If you’re really concerned that you and your children are at risk, call your doctor, Children’s Aid Society, Family Service Toronto, or the Department of Health and ask for a public health nurse. The Ontario Psychological Association is providing free therapy for up to five sessions through the Disaster Response Network; call 211.
When you lose your temper and shout at your kids, apologize, forgive yourself, and move on.
Online teaching is a great initiative but very few families have computers for all their kids so don’t sweat that. Your child is not going to miss out on anything because you didn’t get them onto the online learning programme. The curriculum will take the coronavirus, into consideration, for sure.
The good news is that nobody is expected to be doing very well; everyone is struggling; we really are in this together.
About the Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.