Helping Children Cope with Death
Because death is frightening to so many of us, it is a topic we rarely discuss, even less so, with children. Adults are usually confused, tongue tied, and reticent when a family member dies and they are confronted with children who have questions and feelings, and needs.
Despite the many different attitudes and beliefs people have about what is correct when talking about death with children, the experts are remarkably singular in their advice for parents, family members, and professionals. Here’s a synopsis of what they say:
Tell the truth
More than anything, children need adults they can trust and rely on in a time of crisis, and afterwards. Tell the child his mother, father, grandmother, sibling died and that death means that the body stopped working; he stopped breathing, eating, urinating, and feeling. She won’t be cold or suffer, or be sad. Those who loved him have lots of feelings, but not the dead person. Even if death is by suicide, it’s important to be truthful because sooner or later, the child will find out and it’s better to have the information come from a trusted adult who can explain that suicide is the result of pain and sadness and often, mental illness. Children don’t need gruesome details about a suicide, car accident or murder but they need facts and explanations.
If you tell a child that the dead person went to sleep, she will be terrified to sleep. If you tell a child that God wanted the dead person in heaven because he was so good or loving, the child will immediately begin acting out, so as not to be wanted in heaven! Children absolutely need to rely on their caregiver to be honest, so they can maintain trust in the world after a terrible loss.
Ask the child what he or she is feeling and needs from you
Children are all different and, depending on their age, developmental stage, and personality, will have different needs and responses to the death of someone they love. Some will ask lots of questions, some will be quiet, some will cry, and others will shout. Most children and adolescents will want to know who will look after them, help them with their homework, or drive them to soccer. When a family member dies, there is disruption in routines and roles, and many adjustments will be required. Children rely on routines for stability and predictability, and they need to know that life and family will go on, despite the loss of one of its members. The best way for them to know this, is to re-establish old routines or establish new ones, as soon as possible. When one parent dies, the potential loss of the other parent is often at the forefront of a child’s concerns. Saying “it’s not going to happen” is not very credible in the circumstance so it’s important to have a plan in place to reassure the child that she will be looked after, if the worst happens.
Share your grief with children
When a parent dies, a child experiences not only the loss of his mother or father, but a significant alteration in the behaviour of the remaining parent. The grieving parent is upset, sad, angry, depressed, and exhausted, and the child may feel lost, lonely, and frightened. For a long time, it was believed that children are not capable of grief and therefore, it is best to avoid mentioning the person who has died so the child will ‘forget’ about him. We now know that children do grieve; they just don’t do it in a sustained way. They may play and laugh and forget in moments, but they also feel sad and lonely, and alone. When parents allow children to share their grief, both tears and anger, they are modelling healthy mourning and more importantly, keeping the child in close, intimate connection. Even babies know and feel their parent’s grief and it is better to hold them and cry, than to be separated from them. Separation from their parent is more distressing to an infant than a distressed parent, and babies and small children can be a source of comfort, as well as provide motivation to carry on.
Children do not ‘get over’ the death of a close family member or friend
Going along with the idea that children don’t grieve is the idea that children will ‘move on’ after the death of a family member or close friend and it will be as if that person never existed or becomes a faint, distant memory. Although life goes on, it goes on without someone important and that loss continues and requires accommodation and adaptation, with every new developmental stage. The death of a loved one is a part of the child’s story and identity and the loss will be felt at important milestones such as birthdays, graduations, a wedding, and the birth of a baby. When a child becomes mature enough to understand that death is permanent and irreversible, it can be traumatic as the child realizes he had been secretly anticipating that grandpa would get tired of being dead and come back, or God would send his sister home, after a nice visit in heaven. A six year old whose dad died when he was two, and barely remembers him, suddenly begins crying and protesting that he doesn’t have his daddy. Turns out his baseball teammates all have dads and those dads go to practice and he feels an acute loss. His mom, who has been mom and dad for four years, is understandably mad and sad all over again because she has been left holding the proverbial “bag” and isn’t getting any credit. Children, like adults, must learn to cope and adapt after a death and they need empathic listeners to give them permission to feel whatever they feel, and grieve in whatever manner they must, for forever.
Magical thinking
Both children and adults engage in ‘magical thinking’ in times of stress and crisis. They hope they can bargain with god or fate to keep someone alive, and fear that they are responsible for someone’s death because they said something, thought something, or did something wrong. A child may believe that he caused his grandmother to die because he wanted her to move away sometimes, or that her mother died because she said, “I hate you mommy.” When a sibling dies, children may feel particularly guilty, and even more so, if the relationship was especially rivalrous or hostile. When a family member has been sick for a long time, a child may feel guilty because he wanted her to die, was tired of all the attention being given to that person, resented the restrictions imposed on him as a result of the sick person’s needs. Children must be told explicitly that they did not do anything which caused their friend or family member to die and the pain they feel, is not a punishment for any transgression they committed. They must also be told that there is nothing they can do to bring him back. It isn’t necessary for them to be “good” all the time, or quiet, or to change in any way.
Funerals
Children should not be forced to go to a funeral but they should be encouraged to go and to participate in the service, and the planning for the service. Participating gives them a chance to feel some measure of control at a time when they feel very powerless and provides opportunities to stay in close proximity to other family members and friends who are grieving also. Even small children can choose a song, a story or poem, pictures, and special objects to be included in the funeral service, or placed in the coffin or urn. Most children who are engaged in the planning for the funeral choose to attend. If the child does not wish to attend the service, it’s important to take pictures to show her whenever she’s ready to see them.
Memories and memorabilia
Children don’t usually require encouragement to talk about their dead family member; they usually just need permission to talk about her. When children see their parents cry every time the person is mentioned, they often get the idea that they shouldn’t mention her. It’s important to tell children that it’s okay to talk and okay to cry, and good to cry together.
Children want to remember their parent, grandparent, sibling or friend who died, want to remember the love they shared, the activities they enjoyed together, the special rituals and events, and they find comfort in the objects and pictures which remind them. Smells can be particularly evocative and it’s common for children to want to sleep with mom’s sweater, bake their favorite cookies, or cling to dad’s aftershave, or grandma’s soap. These are not morbid or unhealthy rituals; they are a part of grieving and important for children and adults alike. Children need to know that the person they loved will live on in their memory and continue to be a part of their life, as they move forward. They won’t be ‘lost’. Whatever provides solace is good –a memory box, a collection of drawings and pictures, a planted bush or tree. What matters is that it resonates with the child.
Death is scary and mysterious
As much as we like to say, “Death is a part of life,” we tend to reject that notion vigorously, except when our 106 year old grandmother dies, in her sleep, after a great birthday party.
For most of us, death is scary and mysterious, and we don’t like to think about it or talk about it. When someone close to us gets sick and dies, or is killed suddenly, it threatens both our sense of self, and our sense of the world. We are thrown into confusion and chaos. There probably isn’t any way to adequately prepare ourselves or our children for an untimely death but we need to know that children do grieve, require information, and must be included in the mourning process, however messy, painful, and awful it is. Excluding them, or lying to them will only compound their distress and deprive them of the tools they need to cope with their loss and adapt to their new life, missing their loved one.
Resources
Andy McNeil and Pamela Gabbay, Understanding and Supporting Bereaved Children, Springer Publishing Company, 2018
Joy Johnson, Keys to Helping Children Deal with Death and Grief, Centering Corporation, 2004.
Alan D. Wolfelt, Finding the Words: How to talk with children and teens about death, suicide, funerals, homicide, cremation, and other end-of-life matters, Companion Press, 2013.
Children’s Books
Arlen Grad Gaines and Meredith Englander Polsky, I Have a Question About Death: A book for children with Autistic Spectrum Disorder or other special needs, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017.
Todd Parr, The Goodbye Book, Little Brown and Company, 2015.
Joanna Rowland, The Memory Book: a book about grief, Beaming Books, 2017
Britta Teckentrup, The Memory Tree, Orchard Books, 2013.
About The Author
Janet Morrison, M.A., C. Psych Assoc. is a psychological associate in private practice and a senior lecturer at the Factor-Inwentash Faculty of Social Work, University of Toronto. Over the past 30 years she has assessed, treated and supervised treatment of children in long-term care, as well as, consulted for Children's Aid Society and group homes across Ontario.
Listen to our podcast episode on grief: Episode 9 | How to Talk to Children About Death & The Different Types of Grief